Secrets
by jaslucas
Summary: I fixed the formatting errors so everything is readable now! P.S. This is a sappy romance story because I am hopeless romantic.
1. Chapter 1

**Fiona**

I sat on my bathroom floor and debated, with myself, about whether the truth would set me free. I felt the truth, in this case, was more for his sake than mine. Telling him would put things in context: the reason why we were less adventurous, why I woke up in the middle of the night only to disappear, or why I became so closed off. I could not think of a single reason why telling him would give me any relief. I would not feel any better, in fact, I would feel worse. He deserved to know sooner, but there was never a good time for sooner. Then again, there would never have been a good time. I struggle with the idea that if I told him, he would pity me and look at me differently. He could either run or stay, and neither would be because he wanted to, it would be because I forced his hand.

The thought burns like liquor on its way down to the soul. I hug my legs closed to my chest and bury my head in my arms.

I never wanted to be in a relationship, at least not until this was over. I had the support of my brother and my friends, I did not need a stranger to hold my hand or give me false hope because it was polite. It suddenly occurred to me that I was being selfish. Should the roles have been reversed, I would want to know. I would not run or feel forced to stay, I would cherish him as I always have.

I will tell him, I think to myself. I have waited as long as I could, and I do not want to wait any longer, regardless. Chris deserves to know from me, he needs to know so he can make his own choices. This was never about me, it was always about him. This is the right thing to do.

I pick myself off the floor and wash my tear stained cheeks. The water is a reprieve to my dried skin. I walk into my room, grabbing my phone from the charger. I dial Lena, plucking random clothes from my clothes as I wait for a response.

"Hello," says a rather groggy Lena. I hear a deep yawn come through in static bursts.

"I am going to tell him, I just don't know how to do it," I quickly confess.

"Oh, it is that kind of call," I must have grabbed her attention as I hear rustling, I am assuming it is the sound of her getting up. I laugh. "Well, it's not like there is a templet out there for you to follow. You kind of have to dive right in and rip it off like a band-aid."

"That doesn't exactly seem easy," I struggle to balance the phone while putting on a sweater.

"It is not going to be easy, for either of you. Just start off by telling him how you feel and what you see for your future, I know that will be excruciating for you. Then just tell him."

"Okay, and when he starts asking all kinds of questions?"

"Well, you answer them to the best of your ability or tell him that it can be saved for another day. At least he will know," her tone becomes gentle, "I am proud of you."

"Thanks, that's what I was aiming for," I try to be light-hearted as I head out the door.

"Call me afterward or tomorrow, I want to hear all about it."

"Of course, love you," she returns the affection and I end the call.

I make it to my car. Waiting for the heater I unlock my phone to text Chris but as I do it dies. I shrug and plug it into the cigarette port. I guess he will get two surprises tonight, I think to myself.

The snows makes the twenty-minute drive thirty. The whole way I was hyping myself up, in-between singing covers of my favorite songs. When I pull up to his apartment building all the fear and worry has left me. We promised to always tell each other the truth and that is what I am doing, keeping a promise that is bigger than me.

I make my way up the stairs, getting tired after the second flight. When I make it to the third I take a moment to compose myself, once my breathing returns to normal the silence reveals something to me. I hear shouting on the other side of his door. Someone is there with him, a woman.

"I can't believe you!" the woman yells in anger, "That girl will never give you the life that you want."

As much as those words sting, it was nothing compared to what follows.

"Like you have? You come and go as it is convenient to you. I am a human being that deserves better than that," Chris spits toward the woman.

"You are making a mistake," the woman says. The voices being to drown out and the room begins to spin. I slowly make my way down the stairs before sitting on the bottom step.

I had been cheated on before, but this was different. It was as if my heart was tearing apart inside of me. I could feel the pain and it made it hard to breathe or even to cry.

We promised to always be honest, I recall the night we made the promise.

 _"_ _I don't see why anyone would cheat on you, you are perfect," said Chris, kissing my forehead._

 _"_ _I could say the same about you," I smile as his stubble brushes against my skin._

 _"_ _I know we promised to always be honest, but I want to take it a step further," he started._

 _"_ _Oh," I crease my brow, wondering where this could be going._

 _"_ _In the unlikely event that there is another woman for me, I will tell you rather than deceive you."_

 _I cannot help but smile, "Same, well except if it were a man not a woman."_

 _We both laugh as we embrace each other, falling asleep._

I make it back to my car, unable to move once inside. Suddenly, my phone alerts me to a new notification.

It is Lena.

 _Going to bed, let me know you made it safe. Be safe!_

I stare at the message and do not reply, unsure what I would even say to her, knowing how she would react.

Before I stow my phone away, I get an idea. I open the messages I have with Chris and type a new one.

 _Hi._

 _Hey_

I choose my next words carefully, I will know if he is lying to solidify my discovery.

 _What are you up to?_

I try my best to be inconspicuous.

 _Nothing, I just finish cleaning and I heading to bed. You?_

An uncontrollable and inconsolable sob takes ahold of me. I cannot bring myself to respond. He sends me another message to check on my delay.

 _Everything okay?_

I ignore it again, throwing my phone to the floor of the passenger seat. I just want to be home, far away from this place.

I drive through the snow and tears, both falling as they please. When I stop it takes me a moment to realize I am not home, rather at Lena's. I make my way to her front door.

I stand there in the cold for a few minutes, knocking, until she final answers. She looks at me shocked, quickly letting me in. I make my way to the sofa, sitting quickly, as she covers my shoulders with a blanket. I think she offers me something to drink, but I do not respond.

Finally, a whisper leaves my lips.

"What?" She turned quickly at me, she isn't sure of what she just heard.

I am silent.

"What did you say, sweetie," her tone is icy yet nurturing, longing for my repetition. She kneels in front of me.

I clear my throat and sniffle back the sobs, "Chris. He has been cheating on me."

As vengeful as I know she can be, she keeps it to herself for the time being. Lena simply embracing me for what seems like forever.

"We won't talk about this tonight. Let's get you to bed and we can deal with this tomorrow, okay?" she tells me as she pulls away. She gives me a reassuring smile and pulls me off the sofa, heading toward her bedroom.

As we walk to the back of her apartment the walls begin to close in. My vision begins to blur, and my breathing becomes shallow. My pace slows, and she turns to me, her smile fading to panic. I feel myself swirling down, my knees smacking the hardwood. Lena pulls my shoulders toward her, leaving my head to hit rest in her neck as she follows me down. I can hear her voice faintly; her tone is full of distress. She carefully lays me on the ground and runs into her room, promptly returning with her phone.

As she makes her way back toward me, I am hit with a wave of comfort; nothing hurts anymore. I close my eyes and gladly let me the dark take me to its peaceful corners.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chris**

"You need to leave, now. There is nothing I have to say to you that I haven't told you before, mother," I hear my phone ping, so I make my way across the living room to answer. It is Fiona, I want more than anything to call her, but I am in no condition to do so.

My mother says something to me before walking out the door, hopefully for the last time, but I choose to let her empty words fall on deaf ears.

 _Hi._

 _Hey_

 _What are you up to?_

 _Nothing, I just finish cleaning and I heading to bed. You?_

 _Everything okay?_

There is no response for about twenty-minutes. I hope she is okay. I know she has something on her mind, but I trust she will tell me when she is ready.

 _Fi?_

I must have dozed off because the next thing I know I am groggy on the sofa, blinded by the incoming daylight.

I check my phone again, only to find there is still not response. This is odd, she has never left me hanging like this before. Even when she is upset I can always rely on a one-worded answer to give me hope at redemption. I do not even know what I could have done to warrant this from her.

I give her a couple of hours before I decide to call her. The call rings out to voicemail. I try again before leaving a message.

Suddenly, I have a sick feeling telling me that I need to see her. I drive over to her apartment, finding it strange I do not see her car as I park. I sprint upstairs and knock with a sense of purpose. I must have beat on the door for ten minutes, calling for her, with no answer.

Mrs. Bloomsdale, Fiona's neighbor, opens her door as I make my way down the stairwell. "Can I help you, son?"

"Yes, you haven't seen Fiona today, have you?" The urgency in my voice is palpable.

"No, not today," She frowns, "She did leave her in a hurry late last night, I assumed she was on her way to see you." She gives an innocent smile, "Thin walls," she shrugs as she closes her door.

Her words do not sit well with me. Fiona left late last night and has not been seen or heard from since. She did text me late, maybe she wanted to ask if it was okay she came over. Then it occurs to me. Two things happened last night: my mother unexpectedly made an appearance for her own petty cause and Fiona was on her way but never arrived. I did not know what happened, but I knew I needed to find Fiona.

I don't bother checking work, as it is a weekend, so I go to the one place I know she would be: Lena's.

I see Fiona's car when I pulled up to Lena's apartment. It must have been there all night because it is covered in an even, thick, layer of snow. I run up to the door, letting out a breath of relief. I knock, anticipating an answer, but am met with silence. I knock a few more times, to no avail. Panic begin to set in, again.

I push aside all the negative possibilities and think of who I could call to find her. She wasn't at home, or at Lena's and her car was still her. She could be with Lena, but I wouldn't know for sure unless I could get ahold of Lena, which is impossible because it's not like I have her contact information to confirm.

In a desperate effort, I call Fiona one more time, standing on the sidewalk between her car and my own. As I wait for an answer from her sweet voice, my attention is caught by the next best thing: a cell phone ringing.

The sound is faint and muffled, but I hear it all the same. I follow the noise to the passenger window of her car and she her phone on the floorboard.

If I can get to her phone I can call Lena, I think to myself. I remember how she would open her door when she locked her keys in the car, doing the same. I firmly hit the window with the side of my fist, twice. The window falls a couple of inches and I slide my arm through to unlock the door.

With her phone in my hand I try to unlock in, but she has it password protected. I know she has a horrible memory when it comes to passwords, so I try the basics. The last four of her number, her building number and our anniversary are wrong. Her screensaver is a picture of the two of us when I kidnapped her from work to surprise her with a birthday picnic lunch. Then, I realize I overlooked the easiest password: her birthday. I plug it in and the screen unlocks.

I quickly find Lena on her speed dial and call.

"Hello?" Lena sniffles, her voice full of confusion.

"Lena, please tell me Fi is with you."

"You bastard, you have some nerve. I don't even want to know how the fuck you got her phone, but you better pray I don't see you when I get out of here- "

"Out of where? Lena, where is she?" my voice breaks as I begin to realize my worst fears.

"You really don't deserve to know, you cheating bastard, but you may never see her again," her voice breaks, "we are at Northwest Memorial," she sighs before hanging up.

The phone falls from my ear as all my questions become answered. Lena called me a 'cheating bastard' because Fi probably arrived last night to my apartment and misheard something from outside my door. Naturally she would run to Lena, but as to what happened after that I don't know. Lena's warning, that I may never see her again, begins to set in and I fall to my knees.

All I know is that I need to go to her, see her, hold her, pray that she will come back to me. I can explain away the ludicrous accusations later.

I take a moment to breath before I stand again. Once I find some trace of my bearing I make my way to my car and to my Fiona.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chris**

The drive to Northwest Memorial was a blur, it was neither slow nor fast. I would not be able to tell anyone about the drive; from what I may have seen to the route I took. Surprisingly enough, Lena text the room number to Fiona's phone so I could get there without trouble. I know something but be very wrong for her to hate me yet help me.

Unlike the drive, the journey to Fiona's room is agonizingly slow. The elevator feels as though it is running at half speed, the people are walking with no sense of urgency.

I jump out of the elevator two floors early and bolt to the emergency stairs. I sprint up the steps, skipping one or two at a time, making up for the lost time.

I burst through the door to the sixth floor and run past the nurse station to room 623. I heard some raised voices behind me, but I need to be with her. I cannot waste a second with absurd formalities. I need to know what happened and what will happen next.

When I open the door, I feel an obscene lump in my throat. There is no air. There are no words. I am still and silent as I see her. Her peaceful appearance is the center of my torment.

There are wires and monitors attached to her perfect skin, but nothing appears to be wrong. There are no bruises or bandages. Fiona looks no different from when she sleeps.

I am pulled from my trance when a middle-aged, male, nurse grabs my arm firmly. He releases when I turn, I can only assume my face said all he needed to know.

"Sir, what is your relationship to the patient," he asks.

I take a moment to think. I knew there was something special about Fi from the moment I met her and lately I considered her a more than a girlfriend. That word just did not seem to do my feelings for her justice. She was more than a girl and much more than a friend. I wanted a life with her, not just for tomorrow or next month, for years to come. We were not the first love in our lives, but I hoped, deep down, that we would be our lasts. I had often pondered this idea, only with her in mind, but never said anything. I suppose I was too afraid of rejection or of my feelings being unrequited.

"Sir," the nurse repeats as I have not provided an answer.

"She," I stop to look at Lena, "she is my fiancé." I was never so sure of anything in my life.

Lena looks at me, wide-eyed and full of surprise and rage. She is like a soda bottle I have just shaken with my confession, ready to burst and take everything with her.

The nurse has left the room, sensing the personal matter about to vomit itself out into the open.

"You are a class act," Lena says, coldly.

I approach Fiona's bedside, the place I should have been this whole time. "I did not cheat on her, it is all a misunderstanding," I hope that is enough to subdue her for now.

"You bag of dicks, you did not see her when she came from your apartment. She knew what she heard!" Her voice quickly raises with every word. I open my mouth to attempt to defend myself, but she continues, leaving me unable to say a word.

"She looked broken and empty, because of you! I don't understand how you could do that to her. All she ever did was support you and love you. Maybe she was a little to guarded sometimes, but could you blame her after everything. You knew more about her than I probably ever will! She is sweet and compassionate underneath all that misguiding hostility! She let you in and I know that you knew how hard that was for her. I mean she literally moves from state to state just to get a fresh start, she would do anything to forget the past, but she chose to share her life with yours. She was on her way to tell you that she- "Lena cuts herself off when she knows she said too much.

"She was on her way to tell me what, Lena?" I quickly say before Lena can silence me any longer.

"I will never tell an SOB like you," she seethes.

I sigh, I was hoping to avoid this detour, but Lena will never stand down unless I do. I take Fiona's hand, cool and soft, to give me courage. "I did not cheat on her, I never have. When I called you, looking for her, I realized what must have happened. My mother made an appearance and Fi overheard us yelling through the door. I know she must have been there because she sent me text me something odd, but I didn't think anything of it. You can either choose to believe me or continue to think I am a liar, but I love her, and I will be here every second of every day. I will always be here for her," I finish, making sure my gaze is unyielding toward Lena.

Lena stares at me, trying to reevaluate me somehow, I do not move. After a few moments have passed she sharply inhales and turns back to Fiona, moving her hair away from her pale cheek before gently stoking it.

"Lena, why is she here?" I break the painful silence.

Without looking at me, she replies, "She fainted shortly after she made it to my apartment and she hasn't woken up yet." Her eyes begin to well with tears, she clears her throat before any fall. "They don't know why she is still asleep, but I know," Her tone becomes bitter.

"What's wrong with her," I ask, knowing she may not answer.

"She is tired. Not from a lack of sleep, but tired of lying to everyone around her, being happy when she was depressed, being optimistic. She was tired of being strong for everyone else when all she needed was someone to be strong for her." Lena begins to cry, I look at her with empathy. Lena could have yelled me, I would gladly take it. Lena was upset because Fiona was afflicted by something that predated my existence.

If she was suffering as Lena described, I should have been the one to notice. We promised to be honest, she could have come to me and I would have helped her.

"Is that what she was coming to tell me?" I ask.

"I know you care about her, whether or not you cheated on her," she begins, and I resist the urge to roll my eyes. "But, yes. She was on her way to tell you the one thing you did not know about her."

"Can you tell me?" I plead.

"It's not my secret to tell, I wouldn't feel right if you heard it from me," I cannot fault her for that. Before I can tell her that I understand she quickly straightens herself and stands, "That doesn't mean you can't hear it from someone else."

I turn to see a man in a white coat come in, Fiona's doctor. He smiles at me and directs his attention back to Lena.

"Any changes today," he asks, unusually cheerful.

"No, she has been perfectly still," I see pain strike Lena's face when she says the truth out loud.

The doctor takes some notes and shifts to a severity, "There have been no significant changes to her condition. The medication seemed to be working, unfortunately cases like this are not an exact science. Her vitals are strong, tests are as normal as to be expected. I say we hope for improvement in the next 24 hours, if not…" he pauses, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

He is getting ready to walk out and continue rounds.

"What is her condition, Dr." I am unsure of his surname.

He looks to Lena, she nods.

"Smithson. Well, Fiona has ovarian cancer. It appears to be localized but aggressive. We thought we were making progress through scheduled biopsies, but we had to be smarter with our treatment. What is your name?"

How could I answer? My head is spinning, I fall to the floor. Why didn't she tell me? We have been together for months and she has not mentioned anything.

"Chris," Dr. Smithson kneels in front of me. He knows my name, he must know me. I look at him, seeing a reassuring smile. "She talked about you, fondly and often. You meant the world to her."

"Mean. I mean the world to her and she means much more than that to me," I correct him for his use of past tense. She will come back, I cannot imagine a world where she is not in it. She can hate me or leave me, but she cannot leave this world.

Lena sits beside me, telling Dr. Smithson that she will take of me. He leaves.

"I am only to ask you this once, you never lied to her and Fiona tends to jump to conclusions, did you cheat on her?" Lena asks.

"Never," I look her in the eyes.

She takes my hand in hers and we sit there. Two people who love Fiona, staring at the speckled floor as if it had the answers to all our problems.

I am unsure how much time has passed, what feels like seconds in my own hell was only a mere handful of seconds. Lena rubs my shoulder as my gaze turns to the clock, which hangs menacingly on the wall beside us.

The clock hangs in the center of the wall, aligned with the bed that cradles Fiona. It is as if this ordinary egg shell colored clock is the master of Fiona, dictating when she will wake up. The hands tick slowly, echoing a hollow tock with each passing second. I never knew time could move this slow. I never imagined something so ordinary could hold power over my extraordinary 'one'. If breaking the clock would release its intangible hold of her, I would have released her from the rusting hands immediately. But, the clock is not the thing that suspends her from my grasp. The thing that holds her, suspended, away from me, I cannot appeal to. There is no way for me to meet this demon and beg for her release or offer myself prisoner in her stead. There is nothing I can do for her but sit and wait for her come back. Back to life. Back to me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chris**

Surprisingly, Lena had allowed me to have a few moments alone with Fiona. Allowing herself to go home, shower and pack something in preparation to stay overnight. She asked if I needed her to pick up anything, which was kind of her. Everything seemed meaningless, not worth any trouble of getting. There was no food, drink or errands I needed that justified leaving Fiona. There would be time for all of that when she woke up. There must be time for these things and more. There must be time for me to tell her how I feel and time for us to begin again.

I hold her small hand, gently within my own. I bring her chilled fingers to my lips and plant a kiss on her knuckles. I keep her hand close to my lips, stroking the back of her hand, avoiding the IV.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask, agonized. There is no response, I did not expect there to be, but I hoped.

It has been about 10 hours since she was brought in, leaving us about 14 before...no.

I place my hand on her cheek and sign. Her skin is barely warm, and her lips are dry. She always slept with her mouth open, she was always worried she drooled, which she did but I never told her. I didn't want her to change.

I take an ice cube and gently rub it along her lips, she lips darken as the ice melts. As the cube has almost melted, she inhales slightly and swallows the water that has pooled in her throat.

Stunned, I call out her name.

Again, I am met with not response, so I wait.

Nothing.

Tears begin to stream down my face, "please," I beg, placing my forehead on her shoulder. "I need you to wake up, this isn't it for us. Not even close."

Reality sets in, there is a chance, no matter how much I deny it, that she may never wake up. There are things I need to tell her, I can't be afraid anymore. I need to be strong for both of us.

"Fiona," I begin, "I never told you this, but I saw you before you ever saw me that day on the trail. Your smile was brighter than the sun could have ever been, for the first time in my life I was speechless because there wasn't a word or phrase to describe what I felt in that moment. As unfortunate as it was, I was glad Logan fell out of that tree because it gave me you. I guess even then I was in love with you, but I was too stupid to know what that meant." I chuckle to myself, planting a kiss on her hand, before continuing.

"I know you were there last night and I am sorry. My family is not something I was ever proud of," I clear my throat, "My mother paid me a visit last night, asking for money. I was never a son to her, only another stream of revenue for her to waste away. I should have just told you what happened when I got your text, that's what we promised right? To always be honest. I wish you would have told me that you were sick. I would have helped you, I will always be here for you. I thought you knew that." I sigh, knowing things were not that simple, "I know you had your reasons and we can talk about all of that later, but, first, you need to wake up. I love you." I finish squeezing her hand.

I close my eyes and take solace in our memories. There are too many, yet not enough.

 _"Chris, please don't stop," she begged as she crawled at my back, holding herself close to me. He legs straddling me as I sit beneath her, thrusting upward._

 _Everything feels good with her. Every moment is special and unique. I never knew what I did to deserve someone like her. Yet, here she was under my frame. Her athletic build, full figure and irresistible skin was a masterpiece. All mine. She was beautiful, and it ran deep beneath the surface as well._

 _I grab her face and kiss her deeply, our tongues gingerly dancing to the private rhythm of our bodies. We break our kiss and I feel her tightening around me, I know she is close. She tilts her head back, enjoying the sensation, I kiss her chest as she tangles her fingers in my hair, wanting. I begin to slow down so I can savor this part of her, but she moves her hips to continue my pace._

 _We meet each other with our climaxes and slowly come down from the high together. I bury my face in her neck, kissing her softly, laying her in front of me as I rest on her chest. Her hand rests on the back of my neck, the other on my lower back. She is trying to catch her breath while remaining close to me._

 _I never want to be parted from her, not in bed but in life._

 _I prop myself up and brush the stray hairs from her face. She smiles._

 _"I love you," I whisper. I did not mean for it to come out, but I would take it back anyway. I watch as her eyes slowly open, she gaze is unsure. We exist in each other space, silent. I begin to think she does not feel or same when her brow begins to furrow._

 _I open my mouth to try and tell a lie to play off my broken heart, but she places a finger on my lips._

 _"I-I love you too," she finishes with a big smile, kissing my troubles away._

I feel some of the joy I felt that night when we admitted how much we care for each other, but the details began to trouble me. After we made love she would always close her eyes and furrow her brow, as if recovering from something. I had always assumed it was because she needed a moment to come back to earth, but what if she was in pain and I was too blind to notice. Were the signs there this whole time?

I begin to cry again, holding her hand tightly, close to me. I plead for her to wake up, apologizing in between the inaudible prayers.

"Chris," a voice I know all too well speaks. My eyes dart to Fiona, but she looks unmoved.

"Fiona?" I plead, once more.

I notice her brow begin to furrow and her finger twitched in my grasp. I laugh and cry simultaneously. "Can you open your eyes for me?" I ask sweetly, brushing her hair out of her face.

She slowly begins to open her eyes, only looking at the ceiling before following the sound of my voice.

She looks at me, "Fi, I was so worried," she faintly smiles.

"Hi," she says weakly, as if she could go back to sleep at any moment.

"You came back," I begin to cry again. My worries were not vanishing, they were ever present.

She swallows, closing her eyes, before looking at me once again. I hold my breath waiting for her to speak. I didn't care if she yelled at me or turned me away, she was awake and that was all that mattered.

"I heard you," she smiles, tightening her grip on my hand. "I'm sorry," she eyes began to tear up.

I shushed her, knowing that she was apologizing for more than my tale of woe. Knowing that she heard me was all I needed. That was enough for me.

I placed my forehead against hers, "I love you, Fi, always."

She sniffled and simply replied, "I know," with a tender smile.


	5. Chapter 5

**Fiona**

I acknowledged Chris' devotion with a smile and allowed everything to fall away as he rested his forehead on my own. This wasn't how I wanted to explain things, I had hoped to never explain this. I wanted it to be a distant memory, but he would have found out one way or another.

I heard him while I was in a fog, he loves me enough to stay with me forever. While I love him, more than myself, I know I won't be enough. I will be taking this away from him more than I can give them. I would be comforted knowing he will always be there for me, but at a cost. He will worry about me more than he should, try to carry a burden, and maybe even hide things for me because he thinks it's for the best. What is worse is that he will never have a family with me. I am already taking away his future. He made all these promises not knowing that my staying is only poisoning his future. The thought burns and leaves my heart aching.

"Hey," Chris whispers, wiping a tear I didn't know I shed.

I try to force a smile.

"What's wrong?" he kisses my cheek where the tear used to be.

If I tell him nothing is wrong, he won't believe me. "I am just happy you're here," I lie.

He smiles brightly, "I will always be here, because I love you. I will be here for whatever you need. Hell, whatever you want. Don't you know that you're _it_ for me?"

His words only break my heart even more, knowing that I will break his soon enough.

"You don't know what you're saying right now. You will feel different once the dust settles."

His face darkened slightly, "I know that I love you, I probably loved you the second I laid eyes on you. I know that I felt this way before today and I will feel this way tomorrow, next week, next year and for the next hundred years. I know you and I know you are probably thinking that you are holding me some way, which is ridiculous because my life is better simply having you in it. The sun is brighter, my happiness is happier. You make everything better and I don't want to live without that."

I bit my lip, thinking of what I could possibly say to that. He kisses my knuckles.

"You aren't considering everything, there are things you haven't thought about- "I begin.

"What?" He cuts me off, his tone full of aggression. "I know everything that's important. Yes, we are going to have to talk through the details, but we can work through it," he reassures.

"The details are important," I counter.

"We don't have to do this now. We can wait until you are back at home to talk about all of this."

I can tell he is getting annoyed, but I continue.

"We can't wait, look at what's happened? Anything could happen, I could- "

"Stop! Nothing is going to happen to you! Why are you pushing me away?" he stands and paces beside me. "What do we need to talk about so badly? I will be here through all of this, you will get better and we can go back to being normal!"

I wince at his words. _We can go back to being normal._ He doesn't consider us to be normal anymore. He wasn't wrong, this is not something normal couples do. Then again, he has been deceived this whole time, I was sick from the very beginning, getting worse as time went on. He thought we were _normal_ then and now his world is spinning at the realization that he has yet to have _normal_ with me.

I remain silent.

Chris kneels beside me, running his finger through his hair, "We can have it all, it's okay to wait a little. We can live together and more. Who knows someday we can travel the world and have a family."

That struck deep to my core, "We won't ever have a family," my voice was cold to prevent shameful tears from falling.

He looks like he is about to ask a question before a whisper in heart gives him the answer. He looks at me with sadness, I cannot decide if it is sorrow for me or sorrow because he is seeing what he will never have with me. I can tell he has been affected as it takes him a moment to formulate a response.

"There is always adoption. We really don't have to get into this right now. When the time comes, we can figure something out," I see the hope die in his eyes. In a matter of syllables his dreams of fatherhood are dying.

I aimless gaze elsewhere, I cannot bear to see his face. I slowly begin to pull my hand from his grasp, wrapping my arms around myself. I take a moment and retreat to my thoughts. I know he loves me, and I love him, but I won't allow myself to be what keeps him from a normal life. A life where he can teach his son to play football or baseball. A life where he can dance with his daughter on his shoes. A life where normal is an afterthought because nothing complicated arises.

I won't allow him to be pulled into my loneliness. I was a girl with no family, a girl without a home.

"I am sorry for all of this. I know what happened last night was a big misunderstanding, but I am glad it happened. We needed to have this conversation and I needed to hear you say…" I screw my eyes shut, "You said you would whatever I needed?" I ask, looking to him.

"Of course, I swear," his eyes are pleading.

"I need you to leave."

His eyes widen in disbelief, "What?"

"Don't make this any harder, just go, please" I begin to cry.

"No, I am not going anywhere. I don't know why you're saying these things…" I can hear his voice breaking.

"You want _normal_ ," I spit, "there is the door, get out!" I dig deep to find a coldness to make him leave.

"You are being ridiculous, I am not leaving you because you pity my choices!"

I know the longer I let him stay, the more likely he is to convince me that we could ever truly be happy. I look to my left to try and find the 'call nurse' button. Just as my fingers graze the button, Chris grabs my wrist.

Chris is hovering over me, I feel how breathlessness on my skin. His grip is forceful, I am afraid to look at the expression on his face. My free hand grabs his arm, in a vain effort to force his release.

"Don't," he simply says. His voice is weak and shaky. He cups my cheek and pulls my face to his. My eyes remained closed, I love him too much and if I look into those green eyes I will surely take everything back.

"Fiona, I love you, please," he is begging me to reconsider.

"Say it again," I swallow back the tears.

"Fiona, I love you," he repeats, pausing slightly between each word.

"I love you," I tilt my head up, finding his lips. The kiss is full or passion and angst all at once. I feel him silently begging me to let him stay. His tears run onto my cheeks and I sharply inhale, undone by his breaking.

I take courage and open my eyes to meet his. Neither of us blink, as if we are too afraid the other will disappear. He smiles gently and leans to kiss me again.

As his lips graze mine, I pressed the button. A sob tears through me, "Goodbye."

His eyes are full of betrayal as his sobs intensify.

"Are you alright? Do you need something?" the nurse asks.

I keep my eyes closed, leaning back with my arms arm myself, "I need him to leave," I cry.

"Sir- "the nurse begins.

"No! She doesn't know what she is saying. She doesn't want this," his pleading could be the end of me. He cups my face, I keep my eyes closed trying to turn away.

"Sir, please stop," the voice is getting closer.

 _Please just go, don't make a scene like this!_

"Fi, tell him! It's all a mistake, please don't do this!" his voice cracks and breaks as pins make a home in my heart.

"Sir, it's time for you to leave," his touch fades away, involuntarily.

He is pleading to stay, to stay with me. I never imagined he could cry like this, it was too much. I jolt as he screams my name.

"Fiona," Dr. Smithson comes into the room. I cautiously open my eyes.

"Fi!" my head snaps toward the door, instinctively. Chris is continuing to call for me as he is being dragged down the hallway.

"Just breathe," Dr. Smithson places his hand on my shoulder, rolling his chair beside me.

I turn toward his hand, curling up into a ball, crying harder. He says nothing and rubs my back, reminding me to breathe. I know he probably came to talk to me about lab results and next steps, but he remains silent. I know he has other patients to attend to but her remains by my side.

I take his hand and will the flood to stop for a moment, "Thank you."

"Of course," he nods, "I will come back after dinner and we can talk about all of this," he says waving my chart in the air.

He stands giving me a gentle pat on the back before exiting the room.

I remain curled up and tightly wrapped in my own arms, letting the tears defeat me. Letting my heart break from what I had done.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chris**

I sit on the floor, staring at the electronic double doors in front of me.

 _Fi is on the other side._

I am reeling from what happened. I expected her to hide her emotions away, to be reserved, or cold toward me, but this was beyond any of that. I know she loves me and I know she cares about my happiness, but her disease was only one small bump in our life together. It didn't matter.

I know how I must look, sitting here. My clothes are wrinkled, stubble growing in and my face tear stained and exhausted. I can't bring myself to walk away, I suppose that would make all this real. Fiona didn't push me away, she forced me out.

"Chris," Lena stands over me, pulling me from my trance. She looks worried, as if my appearance means something has happened to Fiona.

"She is awake," I look away, referring to her makes my chest hurt.

Lena lets out a breath, "Thank God." She puts her hand to her chest as if trying to calm the storm that arose too soon within her.

Once her mind is clear, she looks to me confused, "What are you doing out here then? Did she yell at you?"

I recall the event that transpired prior to Lena's arrival, my eyes begin to water. Lena puts her bag down and sits beside me, "What happened?"

"She…" I take a deep breath, preparing myself to speak the truth, "She threw me out. Out of the room and out of her life," I bury my head in my arms.

"I don't understand, why would she do that? Did you explain what happened? I can go in and tell her you are telling the truth," Lena knows Fiona better than anyone, yet she fails to see the obvious. Fiona did this because she wants to save me from all of this.

"I told her about what happened, and she understood. She thinks that her cancer and treatment will be too much for me. She thinks I would leave her because of this someday!" Saying it aloud makes me realize it's nonsense. I thought Fiona knew me better than that.

Lena apologizes, as if she realized this was always a possibility. "Silly girl, I can try to talk some sense into her," she offered.

I can't force Fiona to see something she doesn't want to, she needs to realize the truth on her own. That is the only way she will trust me. If Lena talks to her it could only makes things worse. I need to do what is right for her, I need to be patient. I won't give up on her, ever, I will just keep a safe distance and wait for her to realize that I am not going anywhere.

"No, she needs space and I need to try and give it to her. I don't want to push her away for good," I am pained to make the mature decision when all I want is to run back to her.

Lena gives me a hug, "You know she loves you."

I close my eyes and ponder the thought. The way Fiona looks at me, even when she thinks I can't see. The way she cried a moment ago, unable to look at me. She cried harder than I had ever hurt, she looked and sounded like she was enduring the worst pain she had ever felt.

"I know," Lena stands and tells me to go home and recover from my own sorrows. She presses the request button to summon the door's opening. I watch as the doors open and stare down the hallway until they close again.

I stand, dusting myself off. I memorize the features of the door, knowing I will not be back while she is here. I wipe my face with the palms of my hands and take a deep breath before walking away from the one thing I couldn't live without.

 _I will wait for you, Fiona._


	7. Chapter 7

**Fiona**

I laid there alone, curled up and broken waiting for the pain to end. A nurse came to offer me food, which I declined. I only wanted her to close the blinds and leave me in the darkness.

 _I broke him._

The thought was too, much to bear and it only deepened my sorrow, yet it was all I could think about. I knew I made the right choice for myself and for him. I would hate myself for denying him the simple things, to make him worry himself to death over me. I was okay being alone, I had friends that I trusted, but I couldn't deny that he gave me more. That was the only way to describe him, more. He just made everything better in bizarre ways. Forcing him out was like telling the moon and stars to stop shining.

There is a timid knock on the door, I turn away from the darkness for a moment to see Lena in the illuminated doorway. Her face resembles pity in every way possible. I was silly to think Chris would have just left, she probably had a talk with him already. I turn away from her again.

"I want to be alone," I say into the darkness.

"I know, but I didn't drive home, shower and pack all this food just for you to wake up and decide you wanted to be alone," she walked in, turning on the lights and opening the blinds again.

The light burned my eyes, so I hide my face under my hands. I heard the spare chair squeak closer to me.

"Hey," she coos, pulling me from hiding.

I look up at her, feeling ashamed.

"Don't ever scare me like that again, okay?"

"I will do my best," I begin to cry. She pulls me into her embrace.

I think the reality has set in. In one day I have been slapped in the face by my own mortality and been forced to break away from what I love most in this world. The pain is both physical and emotional, I am overwhelmed by all of this.

"I know you think you are saving him from something, but you are killing the man," Lena doesn't need to say his name, I know to whom she is referring.

"You didn't hear him," I sniffle.

"What could that boy have possibly said? He couldn't form a decent insult if his life depended on it."

"He said he would stay and work through this with me," I begin.

"What is horrible about that?"

"He said we could go back to being normal," Lena scrunched her face, understanding why I may have been offended.

"You couldn't have expected him to be thinking clearly. I am sure that wasn't what her meant." I am confused as to why she is so keen on defending him.

"He wants kids Lena, and that can't happen. At least not unless he wants to adopt or surrogate or whatever they have nowadays. I will always be less than another woman because I can't give him all the things he wants. I am just taking things from him," suddenly, the thought of him with another woman jabs my heart open.

"You will never be less to him, just as you will never be less to me. You two will probably argue and fight but at the end of the day he is never going to love anyone the way he loves you," as kinds as her words are I find no reassurance, "and you know deep down you will never love anyone the way you love him."

I look to the floor, I have nothing to say because I know she is right. I was not about to tell her that and boost her ego.

"Anyway, enough about boys! We are going to eat and watch TV and talk to the doctor about how to fix you, so we never have to deal with this again," she smiles, unpacking her bag of goodies.

"I'm not broken," I glare.

"I know, it was really hard for me to just sit here and do nothing. This is the last time, you hear me, you are going to get better as soon as possible because I just can't…"

I take her hand in mine, "I know, I love you Lena. Now, I think it's only fair that I let you pick the entertainment."

I hand her the remote, which she gladly takes and tunes into a reality show.

Briefly, while eating fruits and crackers with cheese, I forget where I am, until Dr. Smithson knocks on the door. I know he promised he would be back and I know there are things we must talk about, but I am not ready to face everything.

He takes a seat, adjusting his tie as he flips through my chart. I can feel my smile fading.

"What is it," I inquire, timidly, breaking the silence.

"I have good news and bad news, which would you like to hear first?"

 _Do I want to be broken and possibly have my spirits lifted, or do I want to have hope and find out it was false a second later?_

"You choose," I admit my own indecisiveness.

"I am here to schedule you for an oophorectomy. The cancer has become too aggressive and we cannot risk the potential spreading to other organs. Part of the reason you were admitted was due to the mass draining your body of the nutrients it needs. I know you wanted to avoid damaging your ability to have children further, but chemotherapy will be a lot worse on your body than one simple surgery. This is the best way at this point," he is so blunt, factual. I realize he does this every day, but how can he become so accustom to delivering bad news.

I sit there quietly for a moment. I should be happy that there is an end in sight, but the cost is high. I had always said I could not have children because the chances were so small, but now the chance had been reduced to none. I feel Lena take my hand and in that moment all I want is Chris. I turned him away because I was afraid to disappoint him, but really, I think I was disappointed and frustrated with myself. We would still have a lot to discuss, logistically and emotionally, but I don't think he would leave. After what I did to him, I didn't have any right to ask him to come back and comfort me.

"Fiona?" Dr. Smithson asks.

I take a deep breath, "What part of all of that was the good news?"

He cracks a small smile, "We never have to see each other again after the surgery."

I force a chuckle, "That is some good news." My smile quickly fades.

"I know this isn't what you wanted, but it is for the best. Your health will only suffer with your pride," he says, I can only nod in acknowledgement. He isn't wrong about me, no matter how much I wish he was.

"I need to think about this, process it. Can I schedule in the morning?" my grip on Lena's hand tightens as all the emotions begin to pour out of me.

"Of course, I will be back one more time tonight if you have any questions," Dr. Smithson reassuring grips my shoulder before walking out.

I am unsure what I feel, I think I feel everything. I am happy that the end of this journey is near, but I am saddened knowing what I will lose. I am confused as to what I ever did to deserve this. I feel everything, and I am unsure how to root through all these emotions on my own. I need him. Chris could always talk me through things slowly, no matter how large or small.

"Hun?" Lena asking, stroking my hand, pulling me from the dark depths of my inner thoughts.

I turn, looking to her for a moment before my heart is torn open by the flood within me. I look down at the white and blue speckled sheets as I begin to stain them with my tears.

"Hey, I'm here. Tell me what you need," she says, embracing me.

 _What do I need?_ I knew what I needed, what I wanted more than anything at this moment. After everything I had done, everything I had said, what right did I have to beg for his forgiveness? It was not to say I need Chris more than I ever needed Lena, but I needed them for different reasons. Lena could not give me the safety Chris could, and Chris couldn't offer the same comfort as Lena. I needed both, one to ease my mind and the other to console my heart.

I sniffled into her shoulder, preparing myself to say what I desired aloud, "I need him."

She looked at me with a smile, as if she knew what I needed all along. She was just waiting for me to realize it for myself.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chris**

I wanted to close my eyes and sleep through the pain I was left with after today, but I couldn't bring myself to sleep. I was too worried I would miss a phone call from her.

 _Her._

The apartment seemed empty now. We didn't live together but this was her place as much as it was mine. She has a spare toothbrush in the bathroom, a small array of clothes for any occasion and some take out in the fridge. Everywhere I looked I could see her, where she had been.

I dragged my feet into the shower, hoping to wash away some of the sorrow, even though I knew it was impossible. I had realized all I felt for her in a moment and I had it ripped away just a fast.

 _Maybe if I told her she was enough instead of rambling about all the ways we could have a family…_

I thought of every scenario, hoping the outcome would be different. I could not go back and fix my foolish words or her stubborn manner. What was supposed to happen, happened. I pray that this is not the end for us. I know she needs to heal, and as much as I want to be the one to help her, I must accept she needs to find what she needs.

I bring my phone into the bathroom, setting it on the counter. Turning on the water, I let the steam engulf the space before entering. I let the water wash over me, taking none of my pain with it. Lathering the soap in a sponge, I close my eyes, embracing the fragrance.

" _Stop!" Fiona yelps as I attempt to lather her with soap._

" _Why, don't you want to be clean?" I tease, laughing as I kiss her wet hair._

 _She laughs as she squeals, again. Accepting defeat, she wraps her arms around my neck, closing her eyes as the water pours over her. I lean in to kiss her soft lips._

 _I feel her passion pour into me as she deepens the kiss. My hands travel down her curves and I grab her legs, encouraging her to wrap her legs around me. She moans during our kiss as she feels my excitement against her center. I push her against the wall, she aches her back against the cold tile. I feel her smile._

 _I break away from the kiss, looking her the eyes._

" _I love you," I say, simple as fact._

" _I love you," she returns, running her fingers through my hair._

" _If you really love me though, you need to get a soap that doesn't smell like man," she gestures toward the bottle of axe._

" _Okay, I'll get you something nice," I kiss her cheek._

" _You can get something that smells nice for the both of us," she smiles, kissing my neck, causing me to moan._

I let the steam intensify the scent of the soap. Eucalyptus and spearmint: the soap we agreed on. It was her favorite scent. The soap was perfect to her and masculine enough for me to not raise suspicion with my coworkers.

My eyes began to well with tears, catching my throat, as the memories came flooding in. Fiona was in every part of my life, large and small. From what I envisioned for my future to the soap in my shower.

Before I could burrow myself too far down the rabbit hole, a ringing filled my bathroom. My eyes shot open as I quickly jumped from the shower, soaking the floor. My heart was lifted when I saw the picture on the caller ID.

 _Fiona._

I quickly answer before I miss the call, "Are you okay?"

 _Please, God, don't let this be a goodbye forever call. She has to be okay._

"I-I'm okay," she stammers, nervously.

"Good," I let out a sigh of relief.

There is a long pause before she speaks again, "I'm sorry," she begins to cry and my heart breaks to the sound.

"Hey, everything is okay. You have nothing to be sorry for," I hear her breath catch.

"I do. I was being selfish, I was frustrated with myself and I forced it on you."

I admit my heart is lifted by the prospect she could want me by her side again.

"I understand, I shouldn't have forced you to do anything," I try to ease her tears. It would be easier if I could go to her and sooth her.

"I shouldn't have made you leave," she sniffles.

 _I hope she isn't alone. No, Lena wouldn't have left her._

"You needed space. I could have said some things differently," I admit.

"You didn't say anything wrong," her voice breaks.

"Yes, I should have just told you that you are enough," there is a silence. "You are enough Fiona, I love you and you are all I need to be genuinely happy. I don't need anything else but you," I confess, it was now or never. There is nothing left to lose.

"I love you," she says softly, unsure if she is still allowed to tell me.

"I know," I smile, my heart beginning to repair itself. The memories of sorrow reverting into memories to cherish fondly.

"I know after what I did I don't have a right to ask you," she pauses as she stumbles over her words. Uncertain how to ask me something.

"Fiona," I interrupt her, "What do you need?"

 _Please need me._

"You," she says breathless.

"I will be there soon," I reply with conviction.

"Thank you," I can hear her smile as her voice becomes clear.

We hang on the line for a few minutes, not wanting to let go. I want to stay and hear her sweet voice, but I need to wash the soap off myself and head back to her.

"I will see you soon, Fi. Don't go anywhere, love,"

She lightly chuckles, "I'll be here, handsome."

As much as it pains me, I end the call. I look at my lock screen, a picture of Fiona sleeping on my shoulder, with hope.

I hope back into the shower, where the water turned cold, and hastily rinse the soap off my body. After, the shower I walk into the bedroom, leaving a trail of water behind me as I haphazardly dry off. I throw on some clothes and pack a gym bag with spare clothes in case I need to stay longer, this way I don't have to leave Fiona.

I head out the door about fifteen minutes after Fiona called. I take out my phone to let her know I am on my way.

 _OMW love_

 _Be careful_

I get into the car and drive back toward the hospital. The traffic was a little heavy as the afternoon was coming to an end. I was stopped at a light a few blocks from the hospital, I could see the parking lot in front of the cars stacked in front of me. I glanced to my left, a couple was enjoying an early dinner on the patio as the sun was beginning to set. The man took the woman's hand and looked at her deeply in the eyes. He looked nervous yet like he was about to go on some life-changing adventure. Without letting go of her hand, he stood form his chair to kneel in front of her.

I had gotten so distracted watching the proposal that I didn't notice the light turn green. I quickly focused my attention and continued my way.

I began to ponder. There was nothing stopping me from proposing to her. I loved her and knew I wanted a future with her. I know she loves me just as much. I never want to be without her and I never want her to be alone. My feelings go beyond her cancer, this disease just helped me see the one thing I was no willing to lose.

I turn, taking a small detour. Once I come to a stop I text Fiona and let her know I need to run a quick errand, but I shouldn't be longer than fifteen minutes.

Walking through the mahogany door, a bell rings behind me as I enter.

"How can I help you, sir?" a kind, elderly man welcomes.

"I need an engagement ring," I smile, adrenaline racing through me.

The man smiles, leading me to the section I need. I scan the cases, looking for a ring that speaks to me. I need something simple and elegant, nothing too flashy. Just before I think I need to postpone this errand to find another vender, I find the perfect ring.

I point to the ring; the elderly man confirms my choice by taking it out of the case so that I can inspect its details.

"I'll take it."


End file.
